Beth
Beth
Because of you, I didn’t give up
Like many people coping with mental health conditions, Beth has had a rocky experience with the health care system.
Diagnosed with eating disorders, complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), anxiety, severe major depression, alcoholism, and borderline personality disorder, Beth has been in various outpatient, residential, and inpatient programs, including a partial hospital trauma program at McLean Hospital. It hasn’t been easy.
I haven’t always been a willing participant in my treatment. They were many times when I didn’t want the help.
I wanted to keep my eating disorder, self-injury, and drinking behaviors. They weren’t positive coping skills, but I knew they worked in the moment and what would happen when I did them. I knew the consequences.
The stigma associated with mental health has also been a major roadblock in Beth’s recovery. She sought control and perfection in her life, and sometimes those desires held her back from treatment.
There was a lot of fear, anxiety, and anger when I started treatment. For family, friends, and coworkers, it was confusing and they were not sure how to help.
When I would eventually settle in with a treatment, it was a relief of sorts that I no longer had to put on a show.
I was always so exhausted physically and emotionally from keeping up the perfection and control I so desperately wanted and needed.
“If I didn’t seek out help, if any of my suicide attempts would have been successful, or the eating disorders killed me, I think how much I would miss out on.”
Her time in McLean’s partial hospital programs has helped put her on a positive course.
It let me have coping skills in relation to the trauma and how to deal with that, so hopefully in turn, I won’t have to turn to eating disorder behaviors and self-injury.
Programs like those at McLean have helped Beth tremendously, but her strong need to share in the lives of those she cares about has kept her focused.
I wouldn’t necessarily want to do it for myself, but I wanted to get help for my family, friends, nieces, nephews, and godchildren.
If I didn’t seek out help, if any of my suicide attempts would have been successful, or the eating disorders killed me, I think how much I would miss out on.
Happy moments are rare and fleeting, but they are there. If I let my mental health challenges win, I would miss out on birthdays, weddings, graduations, going out with friends, vacations.
Reflecting on her long journey through the mental health system, Beth wants to inspire others to get help.
I have become more open with my conditions because there is help. People don’t need to keep it a secret.
I want to inspire people. I want people to look at me, and tell me, ‘Because of you, I didn’t give up.’
