Winter
Winter
This was happening to me, not something that was me
For years, Winter did not understand what she was feeling. She could not put a name to the obsessions that consumed her.
I had been struggling with intrusive thoughts around my sexuality since I was nine years old. I felt like there was this monster inside of me, with my feelings revolving around gender or being gay or being bisexual.
When Winter was 17, she read an article that gave her important insights into what she was feeling.
I stumbled across this article online that was primarily about homosexual OCD. When I read that article, I cried.
I had this feeling of utter release because everything the article said I could identify with—the compulsions, the reassurance seeking, the excessive Googling, the mental checking—it all fit.
It gave a name to what I was experiencing, which made me realize that it was something that could be fixed. It wasn’t something that I was just going to have to live with and struggle with for the rest of my life.
So that was very motivating for me, and I started to research more into what treatment options were available.
Although Winter threw herself into researching obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), she had trouble meeting with a specialist to discuss her symptoms because of a lack of mental health resources where she lives.
Then, about three years after reading the article, she was finally able to meet with a doctor. In time, she also consulted with an OCD specialist, who gave her a formal diagnosis of OCD.
She also has a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), stemming from family trauma.
Just having that label made it easier for me to experience what I was experiencing.
This past year, Winter was paired with a therapist who worked with her to establish a course of exposure and response prevention therapy for her OCD. The treatment approach forces her to confront her fears and anxieties.
The therapy has been very helpful. It has changed my whole mindset, which is amazing.
The treatment program has enabled Winter to begin the process of getting her OCD under control, but she continues to research the condition. She is currently a college student working on a project where she surveys and interviews individuals with various types of OCD.
After graduation, Winter may continue to build on her experience by pursuing a masters-level program in anthropology or psychology.
With every person who I interview or survey, I just want to let them know that they’re not alone.
Every person who has this disorder may not experience the same things, but their OCD is manifesting along the same blueprint. I think that is so gratifying to understand.
For me, it helped me separate myself from my OCD and see it as a thing that was happening to me, not something that was me.
These days, Winter is continuing with her treatment, putting a special emphasis on her CPTSD.
This entire experience has taught me to be courageous in the face of real fear, to advocate for myself, and begin to love myself.
So, now I’m targeting my CPTSD and hoping to grow from that—all for the purpose of becoming the healthiest version of myself I can be.
