Tom
Tom
Saying something could change somebody’s life
When Tom started feeling depressed, his buddies from the bar noticed changes in him, but they never brought up the topic.
At the end of the day, nobody really approached me with it. It’s that macho mentality, where we don’t talk about our feelings. We don’t get into that stuff.
When Tom’s mental health symptoms became impossible to ignore, he was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and alcohol use disorder.
At the time, Tom was lethargic, irritable, and had stopped helping out around the house. He isolated himself from his wife and kids and was in denial about his dependency on alcohol. One night, his intense feelings and behaviors escalated, and he left the house in a rage. He thought of taking his own life. Fortunately, he drove himself to the local emergency department for help.
He spent nearly a week in the ED until a bed became available at a psychiatric facility. In total, he spent 12 days away from his wife and daughters.
The time away was challenging, but worth it. The emergency staff were kind and supportive, even though the conditions were limited. The psychiatric facility defied Tom’s expectations, especially after the negative depictions he had seen in the media.
I figured there were going to be people roaming the halls and talking to themselves, and that wasn’t the case.
The floor I was on was more of a respite area, where people can go to catch a break if they’re going through too much in life. That’s exactly what I was doing, and it was nice to be able to do that.
“I told [my daughters] that mentally, I wasn’t feeling good and that I was getting the help I needed. I want them to know it’s OK to ask for help.”
After Tom’s hospital stay, he sent the staff a thank you card for their care.
There were some people there who were incredibly open and generous and very forward with the way they approached people, and I appreciated it.
He regretted being away from his wife and daughters for several days, but in retrospect, he realized he wasn’t fully present with them prior to his hospitalization, either. Now that he had taken some time to heal, he could be closer to his family—not just in proximity, but emotionally.
Upon discharge, he decided to be honest with them about the depths of his struggles. His daughters hadn’t previously known he received psychiatric care.
I told them that mentally, I wasn’t feeling good and that I was getting the help I needed. I want them to know it’s OK to ask for help.
Tom’s family was understanding, and so were his boss and coworkers. Under the Family and Medical Leave Act, Tom had taken five weeks off from his work as a truck driver for his city’s waste management department.
They were completely fine with me getting the help I needed, because at the end of the day, they wanted me to be focused, ready for work, and healthy.
It’s been a few years since Tom was hospitalized. He now attends therapy weekly, takes medication, and has recently enrolled in an intensive outpatient program group for addiction to address some intense symptoms that had cropped up.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is another important facet of Tom’s treatment plan. The meetings turned out to be illuminating—even life-changing.
I thought I would give it a shot and see what happened.
I didn’t realize, until I sat and listened to other people speak about their experiences, how much I could identify with that stuff and how much I was struggling with alcohol addiction.
Tom is active with his AA home group, and he meets with a sponsor regularly. He often visits sober houses and other meetings, where he feels honored to share his story of recovery.
His friendships are different now. His phone doesn’t ring as often with calls from his old buddies. While he mourns the loss of what he once considered a tight-knit group, he is finding room for new relationships.
I’ve made some tremendous friends so far. About a month ago, four of us went to a Red Sox game on a Monday night. It was amazing to be able to do that, to not drink, and then still enjoy it—and wake up the next morning, even after I stayed out late, go to work on time, and not be hungover.
Tom notices how different it is to spend time with men who can talk about emotions, and who can reach out. He wishes his old friends had connected like that with him during his crisis.
I could have used it. Deep down, I’m a sensitive guy. I can get emotional. I let things bother me, probably too much sometimes.
Through his recovery, he has learned:
It’s OK to not be OK. And if you’re noticing someone struggling, you’ve got to say something because that could change somebody’s life.
