Paul
Paul
Anyone should be able to say, “I need help”
After graduating from a small liberal arts school in Connecticut, Paul found himself swept up in the hypnotic swirl of New York society. He jumped at the opportunity for an internship at Vogue Magazine, and soon found himself in the spotlight.
Before long, he became caught up in the social scene, gaining the attention of journalists, bloggers, and gossip columnists. He even starred in a CW television series based on the lives of well-known New York “it kids.”
The attention ... I loved it. But, at the same time, I had not dealt with the issues that I’d bottled up for many years, and inevitably they all came to a head.
Those issues started when Paul was a kid. Growing up in a quiet, picture-perfect New England town, his expressive style made it difficult to fit in.
He spent the bulk of his childhood dedicated to ballet—an escape that allowed him to get out of his head, which always seemed to be racing. He would perform in The Nutcracker at the end of each year.
But, after the bustle of the holiday season, the long, bleak winters would lull Paul into deep depression, because ballet is all about the illusion of perfection, and outside of that world, perfection is unattainable.
In his teens, he sometimes had suicidal thoughts stemming from these unrealistic expectations. Drugs and alcohol took the edge off the depression and anxiety.
Unfortunately, substance misuse (much like fame) has a shelf life.
Sooner or later, they both stop helping you cope, and start helping you unravel.
New York and all of that ‘socialite’/‘it boy’ nonsense and the invasiveness of all that fanaticism from strangers, and phonies, and the press ... It was like quicksand.
The addiction continued to spiral out of control for years. One summer night, while driving through the Hamptons, police arrested him for a DUI and he spent the night in jail.
On another night, depressed and in despair, he tried to take his own life. Instead of ending it all then, he awoke to an apartment littered with wine bottles and drug residue.
Knowing in that moment that he could no longer survive alone and on this path, Paul took an Amtrak to Boston, where he admitted himself to McLean Hospital.
It helped to be surrounded by others who were working on similar issues. One girl told us in group about how she left an abusive home situation at 15, and turned to prostitution to score her heroin.
I’ve never forgotten that story. That put it all into perspective.
I’ve had a pretty privileged life. I had a wonderful childhood and loving parents.
I could never imagine going through what she went through ... And yet, here we all are, crippled by the same afflictions.
“If you have the courage to be vocal about it, not only can you get the help you need, but also help others who are suffering.”
Paul is now living in San Francisco, where he works as a writer and fashion stylist. His medium has evolved from print to digital, working most recently with the ecommerce style team at a major fashion brand. He also writes for an advertising-free website that is edgy and honest but still focused on fashion.
To maintain balance in his life, he checks in with a therapist when needed. His work provides a creative outlet that keeps him inspired and grounded.
It is strange, because having a nervous breakdown or even acknowledging mental health problems doesn’t fit into an image-based industry.
But I believe now that these are not insurmountable problems; although you may feel broken on the inside, you can be fixed by reaching out and seeking help.
And, if you have the courage to be vocal about it, not only can you get the help you need, but also help others who are suffering.
