Evan
Evan
I was scared to say how I was really doing
Stigma is a huge barrier to getting care, especially in my field. So, I decided to tell my story. I figured if I could help out one or two people, it would be worth it.
Recently, Evan left his job as an officer in the U.S. military. He was forced to leave for medical reasons, having struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
His conditions stem from his experiences taking on dangerous, high-pressure assignments, including search-and-rescue operations and counter-narcotics missions.
It affected me piece by piece. I’d have nausea, tight chest, difficulty breathing. I didn’t know those symptoms could come from anxiety.
If I’d known, I would have been able to do something about it, but instead it pushed me further and further down the hill.
As Evan headed “down the hill,” he sought refuge in alcohol. He also experienced suicidal feelings. To address his symptoms, he engaged with the military’s employee assistance program. It helped, but it didn’t end his struggles.
Help is available, but it’s not formally advertised. If you’re having a tough time, they suggest you call this phone number—a hotline.
The person you talk to decides whether you’re in crisis or not, and they recommend a level of care. It’s a starting point, but that’s about it as far as it goes with mental health care.
Evan knew he needed more help than what he was getting. He was hospitalized several times for his symptoms.
After battling symptoms long enough, he advocated for himself and was referred to McLean Hospital’s LEADER program, which helps members of law enforcement, active duty military, and emergency responder communities deal with their own specific, and often overlapping, underlying issues.
It is a tribe of individuals who understand each other’s suffering in a way that other communities would often tell me was ‘too far’ or ‘too triggering’ for other folks.
This setting was cathartic and validating in a way that allowed me to confront my demons in a way no other program in the world could—it released my soul.
Evan also spent time on McLean’s inpatient unit and started receiving electroconvulsive therapy, also known as ECT. Treatment that Evan credits as saving his life.
In the beginning, I wasn’t forthcoming about what was happening. I should have been honest and upfront earlier.
But it was weird to have feelings I didn’t really understand. I was scared to say how I was really doing.
Evan believes that if he had been open with his therapist and psychiatrist about how he was really feeling, his career may have gone a different way. Still, he is in a good place these days and planning for a new future.
He hopes that telling his story will inspire others working in intense, high-stress professions to be honest about their problems and ask for help if they need it. Also, Evan is considering going to graduate school and entering the nursing profession.
I joined the military because I wanted to help people. I still want to do that, and I still know that I can.
