Maria
Maria
The fear of being judged is paralyzing
When Maria thinks about kindergarten, there are no happy memories of snack time, arts and crafts, and recess.
She recalls a fellow student replying to a teacher’s question with “I don’t know” and the teacher berating the pupil until she burst into tears.
My compassion for my classmate was eclipsed by the terror welling up within me at the thought of being in her shoes. I never wanted to speak in class again.
Since preschool, Maria had been selectively mute—unable to speak to anyone other than close family. The school incident solidified her fears.
To this day, Maria battles social anxiety—a condition so great that she requested to communicate with the writer of this narrative by email instead of phone.
I told myself I was a failure. When someone addressed me, I froze; my face fixed in a vacant stare.
“I firmly believe that the more we talk about mental health, the more we will reduce the stigma that surrounds it.”
Maria began seeing a psychologist at age seven. She also met with child psychiatrists who prescribed her medication, none of which offered her relief from extreme anxiety.
One therapist introduced Maria to exposure therapy by taking her on walks around the building and encouraging her to speak to people in the elevator. She was able to thrive in middle school, receiving a top academic award in the eighth grade.
But the pressures of high school would set her on a path of hospitalizations, including two therapeutic wilderness programs.
I’ve actually lost count of the number of treatment programs and mental health hospitals I’ve been in and out of over the past 12 years.
Today, Maria’s treatment consists of a cocktail of medications and electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).
She is working toward her college degree and is interested in research psychology. She notes that mental health conditions are just like any other disability and hopes people can be accepting of it.
I firmly believe that the more we talk about mental health, the more we will reduce the stigma that surrounds it.
