Sara
Sara
I’m more than a survivor—I’m a thriver
At age 56, Sara, an administrator at a law firm, remembers feeling exhausted. Money had been tight, so she had taken out a third mortgage on her home. A short time later, the 2007 financial crisis hit and real estate values plummeted. Sara worried her teenage son wouldn’t be able to attend college—or worse.
I thought we would become homeless. I blamed myself. Suicide seemed to be the only answer.
Over the course of the next year, Sara tried to take her own life three times and was hospitalized six times. Medications and other treatments like electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) weren’t helping. During the next five years, every morning started a new battle to stay alive.
I’d wake up and say, ‘I’m not going to kill myself today. Are we clear on that? Let’s move on.’ But sometimes, I couldn’t function and my son took on parental responsibilities. He’s such a good kid. I had to push him to lead his own life.
During her earlier years, Sara doesn’t remember feeling depressed, other than normal highs and lows. But she still came in daily contact with mental health conditions. Her mother would sometimes have fits of rage and become abusive. Her brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. When Sara herself struggled in her 50s, she felt ashamed.
“Our family doesn’t get that mental health is the same as physical health. They believe solely in God and faith-based approaches to maintaining mental wellness. Luckily, my friends totally get it and are a great support system.”
Although she could do very little at work, she would get herself out of bed and go to the office because she knew she wouldn’t hurt herself there. Instead of walking around and chatting with coworkers like in days past, she sat at her desk in silence just trying to get through her shift. It wasn’t until her psychiatrist recommended she try a mood-stabilizing medication that Sara started to get her life back.
It took about six weeks for the medication to kick in. It was then I realized all this wasn’t my fault. It was a chemical imbalance. My brain wasn’t working as it should, and instead, it was trying to convince me to kill myself. It was such a revelation.
Once Sara got better, she was able to face numerous challenges that came her way head-on. Her marriage of 31 years fell apart, she had horrible nightmares during the COVID-19 pandemic, and a car accident almost killed her.
Whenever I had another visit from the suicide demon, I was strong enough to pick up the phone and call my therapist. I was able to get through it.
Sara has been “in remission” from suicidality for 12 years. She is now involved with her local chapter of NAMI—the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which raises awareness and provides support for those living with mental health challenges. Sara and her dog, Mackie, watch the sunrise together. Her son will soon get married.
After finally finding the right treatment, I was like, ‘Wow. I’m alive. I’m smiling. I’m back!’ And I’m still doing great now. Never lose hope.
