Paul
Paul
Finally, there was an explanation for how I feel
Paul looked like he had it all together—until the cracks started to show.
Long before anyone else noticed, he saw the signs: waking up with no memory of the night before, vanishing from parties, inflicting wounds on his own face, and retreating so deeply into isolation that it felt like vanishing.
The truth was, Paul was battling bipolar disorder—and he was doing it alone, hidden in plain sight.
In college, his ability to maintain good grades obscured his excessive drinking, depressive episodes, and self-harming. Paul recalls that even if people knew about his self-harming, they would criticize and judge him, rather than support or help him.
Paul’s journey with mental health treatment began at age 29, when he began to experience intense panic attacks after his move to New York City. Forced to get help because of his inability to function or go to work, he was diagnosed with panic disorder and was treated with medication and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Despite seeing some improvements in his symptoms, his self-harm continued for years, and he was eventually admitted to an inpatient unit after a particularly difficult stretch of days. Although he was being treated for major depressive disorder, an anxiety disorder, and panic disorder, Paul did not feel like this encompassed his experience.
In 2020, he finally saw a provider who suggested that he may have bipolar disorder.
Receiving that diagnosis, my feeling was a massive relief. Finally, there’s some explanation for how I feel.
He felt that this diagnosis truly acknowledged the feelings, behaviors, and thoughts that he had been experiencing his entire life. Along with appropriate medication and therapy, Paul recognized that having this bipolar diagnosis helped him understand his behavior and change how he was moving through life.
It was a huge life changer, because suddenly I could make sense of everything I was doing. Since then, I have become a way better person because I am aware of how I think and behave.
Despite the relief of finding answers for the ways he has struggled for years, Paul continues to find difficulty in accepting himself and sharing this side of himself with other people.
I have a problem within myself. I stigmatize myself. I still find it incredibly difficult to tell people.
Despite the difficulty, Paul has shared his experience with his family, close friends, and colleagues. The people closest to him responded well and offered to support him.
However, there were also cases where people sounded nice about it at first but later treated him differently or with judgment. Although it was difficult, he ultimately knows that he did the right thing by being honest.
In hindsight, Paul now sees the importance of asking yourself if the diagnosis you’ve received rings true to you and your experience. Despite the time it took to get properly diagnosed and treated, Paul believes that his mental health journey allowed him to know more about himself and make sense of it all.
It’s a gift. It comes with a cost, but it has made me an interesting, self-aware person.
Paul also wants to urge people to reach out for help and talk to professionals because he wishes he had done it sooner. Though it’s an incredibly hard thing to do, he knows that without taking that first step, he would have never gotten the help he needed.
He has come a long way in accepting himself, but he hopes to become better at telling others around him about his diagnosis and seeing it as a strength.
I count myself lucky to be a very special kind of human being that has very creative, social, and friendly parts of my character that can flourish now that I understand my diagnosis.
Better understanding himself through the lens of his bipolar disorder led Paul to find passions he had not fully tapped into and change his hopes and goals for his life. Although he was always dedicated and hardworking, he has now become very involved in activism for the planet, human rights, and gender equality.
Paul has become increasingly hands-on in making the world a better place, and he now considers anything to be a possibility. He hopes to inspire others to advocate for themselves and reach out for help.
Now that I know the nature of my disorder, it’s very liberating. I can stand up for people like me.
