Molly
Molly
Stigma can come from people who know you best
Molly was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was 28. She remembers experiencing symptoms before the age of 10. By her 20s, she was experiencing extreme episodes of depression and mania.
Depressive episodes knocked the wind out of my sails. I felt blank, like a hollowed-out shell. Mania would sweep me away. It was exciting and fast, then dangerous and dark.
Not knowing the cause of the mood swings, Molly tried to adapt and compensate. She hid her symptoms. Because she didn’t know she was experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition, she thought the symptoms represented weakness and inadequacy.
Family and friends also confused Molly’s bipolar disorder symptoms for personality traits. Bubbly, funny, and spontaneous turned into unpredictable, dramatic, and out of control without much alarm from those closest to her.
“I expect to be judged more than I expect to be understood. I expect it from strangers, people I’ve just met, and people who have known me my whole life.”
The episodes became more extreme, and Molly was hospitalized after a suicide attempt. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder soon after.
Molly felt as though her life had been derailed. She struggled in the first years of her diagnosis and was hospitalized multiple times. She felt lost, confused, and ashamed as her family struggled to understand and accept her diagnosis.
My diagnosis was met with skepticism and anger from family members. Symptoms of a mental health condition were seen as extreme manifestations of my personality. My downward spiral was regarded as an attention-seeking choice. My siblings were angry at me for upsetting our mother with suicide attempts. My mother told me I had to apologize to my siblings for all I had put them through.
Through diligence and determination, Molly’s condition has stabilized, and she has not had a major episode in many years. She is happily married, and she and her husband have a “wicked cool” son. Molly considers herself to be the luckiest person she knows.
Recovering from the trauma of repeated psychotic episodes was not easy. Molly credits her success in learning to manage her mental health struggles to her psychiatrist, and in recent years, to her family.
Being stigmatized for having a mental health condition is the unfortunate reality of how mental health is viewed in our society. As a result, I expect to be judged more than I expect to be understood. I expect it from strangers, people I’ve just met, and people who have known me my whole life.
Molly believes it is the people who know her best that confuse her mental health symptoms with her personality traits. Her family sometimes jokes about her past psychotic episodes, seemingly unaware that these are painful memories for Molly. Molly understands that stigma has contributed to their lack of understanding, and she loves and accepts them—despite these challenges—just as her family loves and accepts her.
My family is a big part of my identity. I am proud to be related to them and I love and enjoy them very much. They accepted me when I started to get healthy and stable again. I felt like I was being forgiven for being sick. I feel that they still don’t fully understand the scope of what I have gone through, and that will have to be okay.
