Meredith
Meredith
She told me no one could know that I was “crazy”
When Meredith painted, her mind slipped into a state of hypomanic creativity—a mild version of full mania—a blissful state.
I got up in the middle of the night at one point, grabbed some paper, and dripped paint on it. Then, I filled the bathtub with water. I dipped the artwork in the water and the colors flowed into each other. I later used it as a background for a drawing of a dragon.
When I’m manic or depressed, I have access to my unconscious self.
The symptoms of bipolar disorder began, Meredith thinks, when she hit puberty—around the age of 12. She would have trouble sleeping.
She would lie in her bed and stare at a poster of a sunny beach that she hoped would transmit energy. In the summer, the energy was there, and she would be happy, but she experienced depression during the winter.
I would have episodes where I would do things I normally wouldn’t do—things that were against my values.
It’s like my body or brain got hijacked. I had one manic attack where my behavior was so irrational and self-centered. I had lost control. I felt like I was at the top of a hill on a bicycle and the brakes gave out. I was going to crash.
That was the first of three times Meredith was hospitalized due to mental health challenges.
“Some people think you are not as good as other people because of your disorder, and once someone labels you that way, it sticks.
Right now, things are better. Once people learn mental health disorders are a chemical thing, they realize they are real.”
Having gone to college for psychology and taken a job as a research librarian, she decided to learn as much about bipolar disorder as she could.
It hadn’t escaped Meredith that she had four other family members who experienced mental health conditions—one died by suicide.
My research showed this is a hereditary condition. It’s a physical thing—genetic. I experienced a lot of suffering. And I just couldn’t bear the idea of passing such an disorder on to anyone else, so I decided not to have children.
Because of her condition, Meredith says she lost many friends. She would offend the people closest to her during her episodes. She also grew up feeling ashamed that she had the disorder.
My mother talked to me and my brother about seeing a psychologist, but then said the family’s reputation would be ruined and my father would lose his job.
She told me no one could know that I was ‘crazy.’
Meredith started seeing a counselor in college, without telling her parents. By the time she had her third hospitalization, she felt different. Empty. Like a piece of herself was missing.
She was diagnosed with possible borderline personality disorder (BPD), which is treated by dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which helped her regulate her emotions.
DBT is a therapy that helps you control your emotions. It helped me tremendously and I got better.
Throughout the years, Meredith has had a number of other physical diseases, including Lyme disease, brain cancer, and multiple sclerosis (MS).
She cannot do many physical things these days like hiking or dancing.
She plays with crystals, listens to audiobooks, and participates in online meditation groups. She has written several short stories for children.
Meredith met the man of her dreams 25 years ago and has been happily married ever since.
Some people think you are not as good as other people because of your disorder, and once someone labels you that way, it sticks.
Right now, things are better. Once people learn mental health disorders are a chemical thing, they realize they are real.
