Lisa
Lisa
Treatment is hard work, but it’s worth it
For as long as Lisa can remember, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) shaped her world. Looking back, she recognizes symptoms in some of her earliest childhood memories, but for years she did not understand what was happening.
She was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety in high school, and by graduate school, OCD had taken over nearly every aspect of her life.
Intrusive thoughts and compulsions consumed her days, leaving little room for anything else.
She struggled with OCD that manifested across many different symptom dimensions, including contamination and social fears, health-related obsessions, driving obsessions, moral scrupulosity, “just right” perfectionism, taboo intrusive thoughts, and trichotillomania, during which she spent hours each day pulling out her hair until she eventually shaved her head.
I was living a very small life. From the second I woke up until the second I went to bed, everything was OCD.
When a psychologist recommended starting the use of exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and with her psychiatrist encouraging a higher level of care, Lisa applied to McLean Hospital’s residential OCD program. After waiting eight difficult months, she was finally admitted.
I had never even heard of ERP until I was in my twenties. It was some of the hardest work I’ve ever done, but it was also incredibly rewarding.
For the first time, I was surrounded by people who understood exactly what I was going through.
For Lisa, recovery was not linear. Completing residential treatment marked the beginning, not the end, of her journey. After returning home, Lisa attempted to balance graduate school, clinical internships, and the demands of daily life, despite recommendations to ease back into her routine.
The stress eventually triggered several relapses, including one just six months following her residential stay. While returning to a treatment program sometimes brings upon feelings of shame, Lisa found pride in acknowledging the need to do so, understanding that the care would truly help her and change her life for the better.
Lisa was emotionally exhausted when treatment began, as her OCD had once again consumed nearly every waking moment with constant rumination, checking, avoidance, and reassurance-seeking. Even so, her therapist would describe her as persistent, with a smile.
It can be scary when insurance is dictating your care. I never knew when I would run out of time, but I did know I had to give treatment everything I had.
“It can be hard hearing people casually say, ‘I’m so OCD.’ There’s so much misunderstanding about what obsessive compulsive disorder really looks like.”
Since leaving residential care, Lisa continues to practice ERP every day. Through treatment, she gradually reclaimed the independence that OCD had taken from her.
The exposures that once felt unimaginable have become stepping-stones toward agency: holding large kitchen knives, sharpening them, preparing meals, holding knives near her therapists during supervised exercises, and even throwing knives into a field to confront intrusive fears of harm.
She has challenged contamination fears by touching garbage cans, dumpsters, and toilet seats with her bare hands, and by resisting the urge to wash after handling cleaning products.
She also confronted perfectionism by sending emails with typos, submitting assignments without correcting every mistake, journaling without erasing, and typing without using the backspace key. Each exercise was designed to teach her that uncertainty could be tolerated and that compulsions no longer had to control her life.
Lisa knows she has overcome so much, and for the first time in years, she feels she has regained her autonomy.
I’m living an exposure lifestyle, and I’ve worked really hard to maintain this level of health. I’m putting the practices I learned at McLean into real life every single day.
Although Lisa openly shares her story with family, friends, and the OCD community, talking about her experiences in professional settings has been more difficult. She openly struggled with self-stigma and not wanting to be perceived as incapable or associated with the many misconceptions related to OCD.
It can be hard hearing people casually say, ‘I’m so OCD.’ There’s so much misunderstanding about what obsessive compulsive disorder really looks like.
Outside of her work as an elementary school speech-language pathologist, Lisa has become a passionate mental health advocate.
She serves as a board member for OCD New Jersey, volunteers throughout the mental health community, and created a project that sends handwritten notes of encouragement to individuals struggling with their mental health.
As requests have grown, friends have joined her efforts, helping create handmade cards filled with hope and compassion.
She also sends letters to patients beginning treatment at McLean’s OCD Institute, offering encouragement from someone who has walked the same path.
Getting something in the mail when you are in treatment can give people hope. Even if they don’t know me, I want them to know someone is rooting for them.
