My faith gives me strength and courage every day
Mary was hospitalized for the first time one summer when she was home from college.
She hallucinated cockroaches crawling on the ground beneath her feet. She wore a winter coat in the summertime. She didn’t eat, change her clothes, or shower, and she was certain she would become famous. Her symptoms first appeared earlier in adolescence.
It was about a five-year period of undiagnosed mania where I was living recklessly: drinking, smoking, and partying.
Diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder, Mary remained in denial about her illness until she returned to college that fall and reconnected with a group of friends. Unlike the people she knew from the partying scene, these friends were devout Christians. Previously, Mary halfheartedly attended their church events. This time, she reconsidered.
I was at the end of my rope. I was ready to say, ‘I’ll give this a shot—it’s got to be better.’ And then it just got better and better and better. I gained great relationships and I accepted my diagnosis, my medication, and my family. It just kept building after that.
Her friends showed her a new way to navigate life.
We just had so much fun, and that’s what got me hooked in the first place. I was like, ‘You mean, I can have fun and not be drinking? I don’t have to be smoking? I can go to retreats, concerts, and out to eat?’ It was a whole new world to me.
Mary’s new community stood by her when she experienced psychosis and hospitalizations.
They supported whatever it was I wanted to do—as long as I was reaching out to them, keeping them in my life, and reading the Bible. It was up to me, and they would respond.
She credits God for protecting her in the years she refused treatment and for turning her life around.
I was baptized, full submersion, for the forgiveness of everything I’d ever done. It changed my life completely. I haven’t had alcohol, smoked cigarettes, used marijuana, or been promiscuous in 25 years. When I became a Christian, I realized I had to accept my mental health disorders.
There was one point, though, when religion confused Mary. When she was forty, her husband died. As a widow, she became involved with a different, much smaller branch of her church.
The new group had only ten members compared to Mary’s previous congregation, which included about 300. The small size fostered a sense of closeness.
With that kind of small unit, you get intimate. So I trusted them, I loved them, and I was still vulnerable.
The new church was strict. Mary says it had a “doomsday” interpretation of the Bible, which forbade listening to music or going to the movies. Women were required to wear tunics and cover their heads when they prayed.
I dressed the way they wanted. I was sold on all of it, but it was out of love for the people more than the actual biblical text.
Mary covered her head. In her prayers, she begged to be closer to God. The practices triggered her symptoms, especially dissociation. She became convinced the world would end. During this period, she was hospitalized five times.
Members of the congregation chastised Mary for needing treatment.
They said they could no longer take communion with me because I was in sin. They said, ‘You’ve got the head covering, you’ve got the dress down, but your heart is not there.’ That was so untrue.
After three years, Mary left the congregation and returned to her original church, which welcomed her back.
She remains perplexed about her experience with the smaller church. How could a force so healing to her—her faith—ever be a source of pain? She realizes her mental health conditions involve delusions that intertwine with passionate spiritual beliefs. The combination can be confusing.
It was just very hard for me to go through all that, and to hear those words from people I trusted with so much of my life.
Along with therapy and medication, Mary’s faith helps her heal. She feels it through her peaceful days of prayer and meditation, and the way she expresses her feelings through music and writing.
She feels it through her many healthy relationships. Her fellow congregants, her family, and her loyal parakeet Lucy have stood by Mary through her mental health challenges. Recently, her network, along with excellent doctors, helped her manage breast cancer treatment, too.
My faith changed my life completely. It gives me strength and courage every day. It is the biggest thing to me.